Cum-mitment

A scary word for men. But why? They make commitments on a daily basis. Extra large double double. Chequing account. Regular unleaded. Rye and coke. How is it so easy for a man to commit to the same hairdresser for twenty years but not the same wife?

Answer: It take NO effort to commit to the hairdresser or coffee shop.

Answer: Men are lazy.

Answer: .....duh.

I am going to try to give men the benefit of the doubt and argue my own conclusion. Ordering the same cup of coffee or cheeseburger with no tomato takes next to no energy. A relationship on the other hand, can take a lot of work. An obvious difference.

My argument is, isn't it more MORE effort to cheat on your wife and lie about it? Create the side stories, hide the clues? Is it really that rewarding?

Dear Men of Vancouver, feel free to finish this blog for me. This time I am all out of answers.

Sex, In Style

I can't remember what happened at the beginning of the night. I'm sure we went out for coffee or something, but if I had to bet my life on it, I wouldn't. All I can remember is what happened in the mini van.

Since Ben had just returned from Germany he was back living at home. I was just in town visiting so that left me at home as well. Finding a make out spot was becoming difficult.

We drove around town looking for somewhere to park, where we would be unnoticed. We finally pulled into what we thought was a deserted farm gateway off a dusty old side road. No time was wasted.

The passion was intense. Clothes were coming off in no time at all.
"God you're so hot Kristen," he breathed.
I couldn't speak. I was still in complete shock that this was happening at all.
"So are you," I think I managed to get out.

He went up my shirt and unhooked my bra. I started to pull his shirt over his head. Before long we were naked in the passenger seat of his mini van.
"Oh Kristen," he sighed, "I don't want our first time to be in my parent's mini van," he finished, pulling himself up and smiling.
"I don't either," I said.
"When do you come back?" he asked.
"In a month," I stated.
He sat there for a moment, and then announced, "Fuck it. I'm not waiting that long."
And we had sex right there in the front seat.

Our bodies stuck together with sweat as he lied on top of me. We held each other as we caught our breath. The banging on the window jolted us back to reality.
"Sorry kids, time to go." a man's voice stated. Must have been Farmer Joe, clearly unimpressed with our trespassing.
"Sorry," Ben waved as he jumped into the front seat and hastily pulled away.
I stuggled to put on my clothes as we pulled on to the main road.
"Well that was nothing but classy," he said laughing.
I joined in. What just happened? Did we just have sex? Yeah, yeah we did.

He pulled up to my parent's place. We didn't talk much about what had just happened.
"Well thanks again, Kristen," he said.
"Thank you," I responded.
"I'm sure I'll talk to you soon," he replied.
"Absolutely," I confirmed.
With a quick kiss good bye, I was out the door.

That night, as I tried to fall asleep, I didn't know what to think. I was dizzy. I felt good, but part of me felt regretful. Not that I really wished we hadn't slept together, but what it meant now that it had happened. 'Well', I though to myself, 'there goes any chance of us having any sort of serious relationship.' But I was ok with that. I didn't want to get tied down anyways.

The High School Make-Out

We drove back into town, neither of us really sure where we were going. We found ourselves in the parking lot of our old high school.
"Wanna take a walk?" he proposed.
I happily obliged.

We walked around the entire length of the school, reminiscing about old teachers, friends, memories. Most of them fond, until he brought up one.
"Remember in Grade ten, at Bobby's party, when you and Laura both told me you liked me?"
"Oh GOD!" I cried, cringing. "Why oh why would you bring that up?"
"Because it's funny!" he said laughing.
"Most definitely not funny," I pouted.
"Oh c'mon, it's not so bad," he tried back.
"If I recall," I started, "I was dragged into that situation. I was perfectly fine liking you from afar and having you never find out. I had no problem with that. But then Laura had this brilliant plan," I continued sarcastically, "of us telling you we both liked you and having you choose." I grimaced at the thought.
"Well of course I wanted to choose you," he said.
I rolled my eyes.
"No seriously," he continued, "but I was stupid back then. I had no idea what I was doing, in that kind of situation. I never acted on anything."
'Thank god', I thought. 'I wouldn't have known what to do either.'

We found ourselves back at the car. We got back in and, as a brief moment of awkward silence passed us by, Ben said,
"So did we just make out back there?"
"Uh, yeah. Yeah we did," I confirmed.
"How was that?" he pried.
"It was AWESOME," I breathed.
"Wanna do it again?" he smiled slyly.
"Yeah!" I exclaimed. And all of a sudden, we were all over each other.

Ben was an amazing kisser. It was weird. I mean I would be lying if I said I never day dreamed about kissing him, but that was in high school. Any kiss would have been amazing. But he was good. Experienced. He knew what he was doing. I was happily surprised and enjoying every damn second of it.

His hands were all over me, feeling my back, my stomach, my arms, my breasts. I grabbed his hair in my hands. It was so passionate, almost animalistic. We could not get enough of each other.

His hands slid between my legs. I grabbed onto whatever part of his body I touched first. Time stood still. And then, my cell phone rang.

It was James. Why in god's name I answered it I could not tell you. Guilt? Fear? Probably. The moment had already been broken. I picked up the phone.
"Hello?" I asked, as if I didn't know who it was.
"Hey, where are you?" he asked suspiciously.
"I....I'm with Ben."
WHAT?! Could I not think of anyone else's name? I'm at home. I'm with my mom. My brother. ANYONE!
"Why?" he half demanded.
I knew I had to start lying, since I had already told too much truth.
"Oh we were just out having a coffee and now we're just waiting for Emma to get off work so she can have a ride home," I said without breathing.
That could have been true. My cousin Emma does work at Starbucks, and we had been out for coffee. But we weren't at Starbucks. We were in his mom's minivan, making out like crazy.
"Oh, ok," he accepted solumnly. But I could tell he was suspicious. "Well just call me when you get home."
"Ok," I agreed. He hung up.

"I'm with Ben?! Really? Anyone else. I could have said anyone else's name!" I cried, sighing in complete defeat.
"Oh man," Ben started, clearly taken aback from the whole situation. "Now he's going to be waiting for you to get home......and he knows you're with me......"
I knew what he was getting at.
"I guess I better take you home," he concluded.
I groaned, knowing he was right but whole heartedly wishing I was wrong. I hated that the moment was over and that it was my fault.
"Yeah, I guess," I reluctantly agreed.

We started back in silence. This time I was the first to break it.
"You're a really good kisser," I whispered.
"I know," he said, smiling.
I immediately rolled my eyes. "Oh my god," I said, but couldn't help but smile back.
SIlence again.
And then he said, "I'm really glad we waited."
"Me too," I agreed softly.

We pulled in to the bottom of my driveway for the second time that night.
"Can I see you tomorrow before you go?" he asked.
"For sure," I immediately accepted.
He smiled. "I'll give you a shout tomorrow."
"Sounds good," I said, and got out of the car.

I fell asleep that night excited, and nervous. This had all happened so fast I felt blind-sighted. But I didn't mind. Not one little bit.

A First For Everything

I got into town mid November and waited as long as I could before calling Ben. It wasn't long at all. I eventually broke down and left as casual a voicemail as I could fake. I doubt it was at all convincing.

He eventually called back and we met up for coffee once again. And once again it was just as amazing. Talking, laughing, sharing, could it get any easier? I highly doubted it. He was still so smart, so strong, and so damn sexy. But I was sure he felt nothing towards me, which was fine. I was just enjoying the thought that now that I was moving back to the city, maybe we could be friends.

He dropped me off at home later that night.
"It was great to see you again Kristen."
I almost died every time he said my name.
"It was great to see you too," I said, meaning every word, times ten.
"How long you in town for?" he asked.
"A few more days," I said, trying not to sound hopeful.
"Well enjoy the rest of your stay, and I'm sure I'll see you again soon."
I certainly hoped so.
"Take care!" I said and got out of the car.

I went about the next day only thinking about him a few times. I was impressed with myself actually, that I wasn't letting him affect me that much.

Then, to my delight and complete surprise, he called again.
"I just realized that I want to see you again before you go." he said, still sounding confused as to why he felt that way. But I wasn't complaining.
"Oh!" I said, slightly shocked. "Well what are you doing tonight?"
"Nothing," he replied, "Wanna just grab another coffee and chat?"
I could think of nothing else I would enjoy more.

He picked me up and we went to a different coffee shop not too far from town, to avoid being seen at the same place two nights in a row. We each got our drinks, sat down, and enjoyed each other's company.

"So what happened to the whole event management career plan?" he asked, catching me slightly off guard.
When I was first in town in October, before James and I broke up, I had told him that I was attending Mount Royal College for their Event Management Program, mostly to convince myself and him that was doing something with my life other than working alongside the rat race and paying bills.
"Oh well, I realized that I'm actually kind of against the idea of marriage in a lot of ways, so it wouldn't make sense to have planning weddings be my career of choice."
"Why is that?" he asked.
"I just think a lot of people these days get married for the wrong reasons, and that the sanctity of marriage doesn't really exist anymore. Divorce has just been made too easy. I would rather never get married and just be with someone the rest of my life because we chose to be together, not because by law we now have to."
He considered what I had just said for a moment.
"Well, there's not a lot of people like you out there, Kristen."
That wasn't the first time he had said that. It made me feel good. Did he like me? 'No', I thought. 'Don't even go there.'
"Yeah, when you told me that back in October I didn't think that was a good choice for you either. I was surprised."
He broke my train of thought.
"Oh really?" I said, taken aback. "And what makes you think that? How well do you think you know me?"
"You're easy to read," he replied matter-of-factly.
'Oh lord', I thought. Did he know how I felt about him?

"We're right by the dock where I used to row," he said, looking across the way. "The old boat house. Did you want to go take a look?"
"Sure, why not?" I said.
We crossed the street and walked down to the abandoned boat house. It was dark, and there was a slight breeze in the air. He showed me where we used to row and talked of the history of the building. I loved how much he seemed to know, about absolutely everything. It was strange how none of this knowledge would in any other case particularly interest me, but because he was saying it, because it was important to him, I found it fascinating. In fact, I found him as a person completely fascinating.

As we left the cite in silence, I had this brief moment of hope that he might lean in and kiss me. I pushed the thought away instantly. 'Stop it', I thought. 'It's not going to happen.'

We walked back to his car and started back home.
As we pulled up to the bottom of the driveway, he said, "Well, thanks again for another wonderful evening."
"Anytime," I said sincerely.

And then it happened. He leaned in and he kissed me. It was amazing. I was completely and utterly shocked.

He pulled away. I cannot for the life of me remember what I said, but I can tell you for sure it was of no intelligence whatsoever. I was stunned. I had been sure he didn't feel that way about me! Or I had convinced myself so.
"Do you have to go in right now?" he asked.
"No," I tried to say calmly. And with that, we were gone again.

Background Story

My name is Kristen. I'm twenty five years old. I'm a dance instructor, and I live in Vancouver. And I know absolutely nothing about men.

My ex-boyfriend James and I had just broken up. Seven years of my life. Gone. It was time. I had been miserable. In my mind it had been over for a while. Like over a year a while. I just hadn't had the emotional strength to do anything about it. Until finally, one October night, it happened. And it was over, just like that. A relief really. It was like pulling off a very stubborn band aid. You know it's going to hurt, but after it's over, the pain is gone. At least it was for me.

Ben was a guy I went to high school with. Actually the guy I was in love with pretty much all throughout high school (if I knew what love back then, which I didn't, but you know what I mean). Totally infactuated to say the least. I will never forget the first day of school. We all gathered into the gymnasium for some sort of 'first day' orientation. Ben walked in, late. The teacher directing the orientation clearly knew him, well, and made some crack about him always been late....or something. I couldn't tell you exactly what he said because I was completely enthralled in his presence for some odd reason. He made a joke back, and right away I liked him. I thought to myself, 'You're funny. I like you.' Makes no sense I know, but after that first day, I was screwed. For the next five years of high school, even when I liked other guys, dated other guys (for like two weeks, if that can even be called a relationship), he was always there, and I never got over that crush.

After high school we never spoke. He went off to University, and eventually moved to Victoria, and I went off to dance. Travelled Europe for a few months, dancing on a cruise ship, and eventually ended up in Edmonton with James, who I thought was the real love of my life. There was one time while living in cow town Ben and I talked on the phone for a good hour, maybe longer. I can't remember how or why it happened, but I was as giddy as I was back in high school. I guess some things never change.

This passed summer I knew my relationship with James was ending, but I was in complete denial on how to deal with it. I was in Vancouver visiting family (and select friends) when Ben called. In a world run by myspace and facebook, he actually made the effort to call. Impressed, I called him back immediately, and we met up for coffee.

As soon as he walked in I was speechless. I was completely distracted by his brilliant blue eyes. Were they always that blue? I couldn't remember ever being that weakened just by looking into his eyes. He looked lean, yet built, well groomed....and downright sexy. I sighed to myself. Fuck me.

"Hey!" he said, leaning in for a friendly hug. I happily accepted the embrace.
"How are you?" I said, a little too excited.
"Good, good!" he replied.

We talked for hours. It was so easy! We talked about everything, what we'd each been up to for the past few years, school, work. Then it got into deeper conversation. He mentioned how he just got out of a relationship, I shone a little light on how things with James weren't so great.
"What's going on there?" he asked casually.
"Well," I said sighing, "we're just not in the same place. I want to dance and travel and live my life, not be tied down to a nine to five mediocre job and a mortgage. All James wants to do is make money."
He nodded and seemed to understand.
"I know exactly what you mean," he said, and went on to tell me how he had just spent the last four months in Germany and the surrounding area, rowing for Canada's National Rowing team.
"There were days where I was literally living off Snickers bars for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, rowing for hours and hours on end, going to bed completely exhausted, and getting up and doing the exact same thing all over again. But I had the time of my life."
"That is amazing!" I exclaimed. "What a fantastic experience." I got so excited listening to him share his story of living out a dream, and it just reminded me of how much I wanted just that.

I went home totally ecstatic.
"Do you know how good it feels to talk to someone who sees life the way you do and wants the same things as you do?!" I said to my mother. "I could talk to him for hours." It just felt so good. It was just what I needed.
About a month later, back in Edmonton, I had finally gotten up the courage to break up with James. Weeks later, we let the rest of the world know by changing our facebook statuses. Text messages, postings, and emails poured in from both sides. 'Are you ok?', 'What happened!', and 'You'll get through this!' Yeah, thanks. Amongst those messages was a voicemail, from Ben. Once again he had risen above all odds and actually took the time to call. I could not have been more enthused.
"Hey," his message started, "I just wanted to make sure you weren't in a Motel Six off the Trans Canada Highway hanging from your shower curtain," he said laughing. "Give me a call when you're back in town."
I was going to be back in town in a few weeks, but of course I couldn't wait til then.

"Hey!" I said when he answered.
"How's it going?" he said, half chuckling.
"Oh I'm good," I said smiling. "I'm not ready to jump off the cliff just yet."
"Good to hear!" he replied back. "So when you back in town?"
"In two weeks," I said excited.
"Well give me a shout! We'll go for coffee again or something."
"Sounds good," I said. I couldn't wait.

When In Doubt, Delete His Number.

Tonight Kate and I had plans to do dinner at a popular Yaletown lounge called Society. To our disappointment, the restaurant had been rented out for the evening, so we hopped across the street for a less original evening at The Cactus Club.

We discussed our updates over won tons and blueberry tea. I rambled on about work and dance, she rambled on about boys and dating. I listened and learned.

"I've discovered something I believe to be very smart," she started. Kate was in the middle of relationships. She had just had her heart half broken by a guy she dated a total of 30 days, and was throwing herself back into the dating scene, with safe screening.
"If you're about to go out for a night that includes cocktails, delete the ex's number from your cell phone. Write it down and stash it in your jewelry box, or wherever. That way, you still have his number, but you won't be tempted to drunk and text him later that night!"

She was impressed with her new found scheme. I for one, had never found myself in this situation. I'm not a huge drinker to begin with, and have had only two real relationships in my life. This made it only that much more fascinating when Kate went on about her love life.

It had been only a few weeks ago that I had joined Kate for her birthday at another Yaletown pad. It was there that I met her newest ex, Nathan. He seemed like a decent guy, stable, but how much can you know about someone in an hour? I guess it depends on the person. Either way, about a week later, Kate was unpleasantly surprised with the break up call, while at work. Typical excuse, 'I'm just not in a good place right now with my work and my health...'. Loosely translated, 'I'm just not that into you'.

In an effort to forget, Kate took herself out for a night with some girlfriends. After a few too many drinks and a lot of flirting with a pack of cute Aussies, she decided to send Nathan an innocent message. 'It would be great to see you'. Send.

After passing out with no reply, Kate sent a damage control message the next day. 'Please disregard my previous message'. The reply? 'Haha don't worry I did'. Slightly stung, she replied, 'I know, it wouldn't be good for me to see you right now'. To which he replied, 'It's really never a good idea. Take care'. Ouch.

Thus explaining her stash-his-number idea.

Now the real question is, why keep his number at all?

Meet The Gang

I'd like you to meet my girlfriends.

This is Kate. Kate is twenty four years old and lives with her father in a spacious Vancouver apartment. She is a huge yoga buff and recently landed her dream job at Lululemon Athelica. She is short, spunky, and full of life. Great fashion sense, and a great head of curls decorating a slightly light headed personality. Spacey yes, but very honest.

Next is Claire. A dark, tall, ballerina shaped beauty, all of twenty six years old. Coming from wealth, she lives with her parents in West Van, and works at a gym as a personal trainer. Her true aspiration is to be a ballet dancer, but is trying to convince herself social work is her forte.

Natalie. Twenty three years old, brown haired and voluptuous, and full of happiness. Happiness hiding a painful past. In this way Natalie and I are quite similar. We bubble with personality to escape a lingering reality. But that's another story. Natalie is a stewardess, and lives with her recovering alcoholic mother.

Oh Jules. Julie is all of twenty two, and is hard as rock. The no pain, no gain type. She broadcasts, I feel no feelings, yet underneath is a deep old soul. Dark hair, dark eyes, and expressive tattoos. Artistic in may ways, Julie enjoys photography. She works as a server at a local club.

Natasha. The mama hen. Twenty three years old, acts twenty eight. European, blonde, and naturally beautiful. Natasha has a sense of maturity we all look up to. A sense of knowledge about herself we all wish we could attain. A woman of many talents, she is never still yet amazingly grounded. A fashionista, godmother, and pioneer all rolled into one.

Then there's Gillian. The oldest of us all at twenty seven. Very driven and career orientated, she runs her own business downtown Vancouver. Relationships come last with this one. Standing all of 5'6", this brunette has one thing in mind. We're just not sure if it's fame or money.

Last but not least, Emma. The most inexperienced of us all, relationship speaking. The youngest of the group at twenty, Emma is far from naive on every topic except men. She always speaks her mind, which limits the amount of social bonding she has with those around her. A sweet girl, but blunt. Not being an obvious knockout, she carries a certain 'men are stupid' energy to mask the reality of wanting a boyfriend.

I guess that leaves me. Kristen Marks, hitting quarter life crisis this year with the big twenty five. I am a dance instructor living in a bright Kitsilano studio that faces the beach. I am tall, slender, brown hair, brown eyes, the usual.

Now that you know all of us, here are our stories.